Transporter - SciFi Horror Comedy
Lights up on the transporter room of a Star Trek like space ship. Ensign O’Doyle is at the transporter central station.
Capt Janet(Over comm) Beam them up O’Doyle! Now!
O’DoyleI’m doing the best I can Ma’am! The interference from the gravitational-
Capt Janet(Over Comm) Do you think I give two shits about gravity?! I want Commander Connor and Chief Amagaud back alive O’Doyle!
(Commander Connor and Security Chief Amagaud appear on the transport pad.)
ConnorOh my GOD!
AmagaudWhat?
ConnorNot you! You! You stupid Irish piece of Irish! Where the hell were you?!
O’DoyleI was right here sir! I was trying to get you through all the gravitational-
ConnorShut up O’Doyle!
AmagaudShut up O’Doyle!
O’DoyleBut I was doing / my best
Capt Janet(Overlapping, over comm) Shut Up O’Doyle!
ConnorLieutenant, carry me to sick bay.
AmagaudShall I take you to see the chief doctor?
ConnorTake me to who ever is wearing the cleavage shirt today.
O’DoyleI’m so sorry sir. Can I make it up to you?
ConnorDon’t ever screw up like this again.
(We see 3 quick instances where Connor arrives having botched a mission and then berates O’Doyle.
Following the montage, Connor arrives on the transporter pad with Amagaud)
Connor(With some foreign object on his hands) O’Doyle! Look at what you made me do to my hands!
O’DoyleI’m so sorry sir! But it’s not like you were ever good with your hands. Can’t throw, can’t catch.
ConnorWhat?!
AmagaudEnsign that’s out of line!
O’DoyleAm I wrong Commander?
ConnorIf I didn’t have this thing on my hands I’d show you how I can do things with my hands!
O’DoyleSure thing Conny.
(pause)
Connor(Shook) What?
O’DoyleSure thing Commander Connor.
(Pause)
AmagaudCome on Commander.
(They exit, awkwardly)
-Scene change-
(Connor and Amagaud arrive once again on the transporter Pad)
ConnorSon of a bitch! O’Doyle! Look at my thumb!
O’DoyleOh no! You hurt your tummy!
(Connor seems to freeze)
AmagaudNot his stomach fool! His thumb!
O’DoyleRight. His tummy.
ConnorHow do you… What…
O’DoyleYou know, where I come from, when someone does their job and helps me out, we say “that was very kind Conny.” Can you say thank you Conny?
ConnorThank you.
AmagaudWhat in the-
O’DoyleCommander, tell Amagaud to never ask about this.
ConnorDo as he says.
AmagaudBut sir-
Connor(To Amagaud) AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
(Pause)
AmagaudOk. Not really an answer, but ok.
(Connor Exits, stricken)
AmagaudI don’t know what you’ve done, but I’ll find out about it. Who do you think you are?
O’DoyleI’m just the transporter engineer.
AmagaudYou do not want to make an enemy out of me.
(Amagaud exits. O’Doyle fiddles on the transporter console. Does the “transport” hand motion even though no one is on the pad. He exits)
-Scene change-
(O’Doyle enters a room where Amagaud is in a chair, restrained)
AmagaudO’Doyle! Thank god! I was just on the pad heading to Proxima Centra 6 and instead of landing there I’m here! What is going on?!
O’DoyleYour mission on Proxima Centra 6 went fine. Aside from Connor getting kicked in the knee by the locals, your mission was a success.
AmagaudWas? I haven’t even arrived O’Doyle. And where is Commander Connor?!
O’DoyleWell, here’s one.
(He pulls around a wall and a dead Connor falls to the floor)
AmagaudOh my god!
O’DoyleNo that’s Connor.
AmagaudYou killed him.
O’DoyleLots of times.
AmagaudWhat?
O’DoyleLieutenant, do you even know how transporters work?
AmagaudI’m the Security Officer.
(Long Pause)
O’DoyleSo I’m gunna take that as a no. You see, every time I send you down on an away mission the transporter deconstructs you into your atomic fundamentals, and then the computer reconstructs you just as you were on the surface of the nearest planet.
AmagaudI know that much O’Doyle. I’m not an idiot.
O’DoyleWell, you are a security officer. One can never be too careful.
AmagaudI will eat your head for insubordination!
O’DoyleThat’s new. But anyway, the computer, follow me closely here, the computer has a blueprint of you for every beam down and beam up. Now usually, those get immediately erased. But, I wondered. What If I saved that blueprint, erased the log and beamed you into this room?
AmagaudThat’s against all regulation-
O’DoyleYeah. And after the 50th or so time I killed Connor I started to grow bored of it and figured I’d just go back to my nothing life with you assholes yelling at me all the time. But then it hit me. I can have little chats with you, right here. And there is so much you can tell me.
AmagaudO’Doyle. I’ve always been kind to you.
O’DoyleYou? No. I just made you a few minutes ago. But you better be kind to me. You better tell me everything about you that I want to know.
AmagaudYou’re using me to blackmail me!
O’Doyle“You”? You aren’t you. You were born five minutes ago. When I’m done with you, “you” will never have known you were even here.
AmagaudI’m so confused.
O’DoyleNothing new for any of you.
AmagaudAmagaud to Capt Janet!
(Nothing)
AmagaudComputer!
(Nothing)
O’DoyleNone of that works in this room.
AmagaudYou’d have to override the Capt to…
O’DoyleYeah, the Capt took quite a while to break. That was fun.
AmagaudYou’re sick.
O’Doyle(how simple) Oh my god.
AmagaudWhat?
O’DoyleWhat?
AmagaudYou said my name. Amagaud.
(Pause)
(O’Doyle kills Amagaud with a phaser)
(Back at the transporter pad)
ConnorEnsign O’Doyle. I hope you have a great day.
O’DoyleThat is so very kind of you Commander.
Amagaud(To Connor) What’s with the suck up?
(O’Doyle sends them on their way)
O’DoyleI’m going to murder that one. A lot.
Capt Janet(over comm, for the entire time): Ensign O’Doyle! You are needed on the planet’s surface!
O’DoyleWhat?! No! I can’t I’m-
Capt JanetThis civilization needs their transporters repaired and I told them you are the greatest (like you said) and that you are heroic (like you said) and so you are the obvious choice for this mission. Ensign Brunson will be taking your spot at the transporter helm.
O’DoyleBrunson?! She hates me!
Capt JanetNo time O’Doyle! The security detail will follow you!
(two people who are totally not Connor and Amagaud repurposed as extras enter and move O’Doyle to the Pad. Brunson who is totally not Capt Janet repurposed as this character shows up at the Transporter unit)
BrunsonDon’t worry Ensign. I’m told that with great power, comes… great power.
(Brunson having screwed up the punch line sends them on their way.)
BrunsonScrewed it up Brunson! I can’t imagine what the perks of this job will be now…