V.O.Today on Dirty Philosophical Jobs (off tune fiddle plays) Ben will delve into the muck the grey and the dirt of philosophical jobs.
BenHi.
V.O.First? Ben heads over to Schrodinger's kill shelter.
TylerSo what do is we open each box to see if the cat is alive or not. And if we see one that is, we kill it.
Ben...
TylerSo here's a knife. You do it like this.
(Tyler opens a box.)
TylerAw man! Someone got to this one already.
BenHow often does that happen?
TylerAbout 50/50?
(Tyler opens another box)
TylerGotcha! (Tyler stabs the cat)
BenOh my god!
(Tyler hands Ben a new box.)
TylerSometimes I don't even check. I just stab. Saves time. Off ya go!
(Ben opens the box. The cat is live. A kittens meow is heard. He grimaces. Stabs.)
V.O.After that Ben moves onto the Utilitarian Hospital.
BenI'm so happy to actually help people.
JimGlad to hear it Ben. We have a ton of people here needing organ transplants.
BenOh, that's awful.
JimIt's horrible. We could talk to them ourselves. But we're not going to.
BenOk...
JimSo our job is to eyeball people as they come into the hospital.
BenSo we can do what?
JimHarvest their organs. Like that guy over there.
(Jim stabs a guy)
JimI think we just saved 4 people at the cost of one!
CrowdYay!
JimOh hey. That guy gave a really hearty "yay". (Hands Ben the knife) Go get him Ben!
(Ben sighs and takes the knife. Walks slowly off.)
Voice of "guy"No! I have a family, childre- aaaaahhhh!
JimBen just saved four people!
CrowdYay!
JimHold on. One of you sounds really good. Get em Ben.
(Ben walks even slower towards the sounds of someone protesting that they have reasons to live.)
V.O.How's it been so far Ben?
(Ben is stricken)
BenCan someone please take this knife from me? Why do I need a knife for all these jobs?
V.O.Ben was learning a lot. Next he was off to meet the trolly operator.
TimSo basically all you do is switch the trolly from track to track.
BenThat's it?
TimYup! Easy as pie. Pull one way Trolly goes down that track. Pull another way it goes down the other. Couldn't be simpler.
BenOh thank god/
TimHoly shit there's a trolly coming and people are walking down BOTH tracks!
BenHow many on each track?!
Tim15 on one and 3 on the other!
BenPull the lever towards the 3!
TimBut it looks like Einstein, Marie Curie and Nelson Mandela are the three!
(Ben melts down.)
TimSomeone has to die! Who Ben?! It's up to you! Who's life matters!
V.O.After crying like a little baby. Ben joins Lilith on an island.
Ben(resigned) Who do I have to kill here?
LilithNo one!
BenWhat?
LilithWe stop death here. Humanity is saved from any bad feelings or negative consequences.
(Ben begins to exhale and laugh and almost cry)
BenYes! How can I be a part of this?!
LilithWell there's Dave over here.
(We see Dave tied down)
LilithWe torture him forever with out end so that everyone else gets to live.
BenWHAT?!
LilithYeah. Thru his endless pain, everyone else gets to live a sweet life.
BenWhy do I hear reggae?
LilithDave hates reggae.
DaveTHERES NO COMPLEXITY!
LilithThis is right about when we restart pulling his toenails out. (Hands Ben pliers) Off you go. And make the pulling random. It's worse that way.
(Ben takes the pliers. Looks at Dave)
V.O.Next time on Dirty Philosophical Jobs
BenBut how do you know you're here?
DennyBecause I think.
BenBut what if what you think is is wrong?
DennyI just think. It's baseline.
BenSo you don't know why you think what you think?
DennyI don't think so?
(Denny dies)
BenOh my god!
(Scene shift to two people watching a screen)
DSo why did you put him in purgatory?
GHe's an agnostic philosophy professor. I thought I was doing him a favor.
DI'm impressed at your deviancy.
GShush. I taught you everything you know.