No Escape Room - Suspense Comedy
3-26-19 (Version #1.1)
(An escape room. Peter, Katie and June enter UC)
KATIE
I can’t believe we’re doing an escape room! I’m so nervous!
PETER
You’ll be great babe. And thanks again June for coming up with this group vacation idea!
JUNE
Absolutely! I’m so glad we all flew out together to do this!
KATIE
This whole trip has been such a blur! I don’t even remember getting here.
PETER
Whirlwind right? So what have we gotten ourselves into?
JUNE
Well, we go in in groups of four, and you have to solve 3 problems within a time limit.
KATIE
Ugh, god I hope there’s no math.
JUNE
Right? I can barely count past two.
PETER
So who’s our fourth?
JUNE
I guess we’ll find out?
(Ned enters SR. Sound of very large door closing)
NED
AHH IM TRAPPED IN A ROOM WITH STRANGERS I HOPE IM NOT THE ONE WHO GETS EATTEN FIRST! (He laughs at his joke) I’m Ned.
KATIE
Okaaaay. I take it you’re the fourth member of our team?
NED
Boy, if you can’t count to four we’re never getting out of here.
KATIE
Excuse me?!
JUNE
HI! I’m June. These are my friends Peter and Katie.
NED
(Referencing Peter and Katie)
Are you two married?
PETER
Oh, not yet, but someday. Why do you ask?
NED
You just look bored like married people do.
JUNE
Great! Let’s get started! The sooner we start the sooner we’re out!
KATIE
(Opening envelope)
Ok the first challenge is a lock, ah crap, who’s combination is the square root of 169. And we’ve got 30 seconds.
NED
Oh!
PETER
Do you know the answer?
NED
No, I’ll be the timer. 30, 29, 28, 27, (Ned continues counting thru the next 2 lines)
JUNE
Ok square root of 169. What the fuck is a square root?
PETER
A squared number is a number multiplied by itself. Maybe this one is nine times nine? Or maybe it’s 12 times 12 which is one hundred WOULD YOU STOP COUNTING OUT LOUD?!
(Ned begins silently mouthing as he counts down)
PETER
It’s 13!
(A “correct bell” rings)
KATIE
YAY! We did it! Lucky number 13!
NED
Well, he did it actually. And I helped with the timer. I guess that’s cuz men are just better at math.
JUNE
KATIE
What did you just say?
Do I need to cut a bitch?
PETER
I mean you both did say earlier that you’re bad at math.
JUNE
KATIE
I don’t think you want in on this. Are you defending him?!
PETER
(Opening envelope)
Oh look! It’s the next challenge! “You can escape from here, but only if you take flight with this song.” We have one minute.
KATIE
Um, what’s that Lenny Kravitz song about wanting to fly away?
(An “incorrect buzzer” sound)
KATIE
Ok. Rude. I hadn’t really made the suggestion. I was just asking a question.
(“Incorrect buzzer”)
PETER
Is it Frank Sinatra’s Come Fly with Me?
(“Incorrect buzzer”)
JUNE
Wait! Peter, do you remember what we slow danced to at senior prom?
KATIE
You guys went to senior prom together?
JUNE
It was a million years ago. But we slow danced to
PETER
JUNE
I Believe I Can Fly!
I Believe I Can Fly!
(Correct Bell)
KATIE
R. Kelly? Gross.
(Correct Bell)
NED
Aw, you two are adorable. Look at the way you look at each other. Just look at those looks.
PETER
We’re just friends Ned.
KATIE
Peter is with me Ned.
NED
Well his eyeballs aren’t.
JUNE
(Opening envelope)
OKAY! One last challenge and we’re out of here! “Who are the last two people in the room to have had sex together?” No time limit on this one for some reason.
PETER
How can the people running this place possibly know the answer to that?
NED
I’m a virgin.
(Correct Bell)
JUNE
This is insane.
KATIE
Whatever, it doesn’t matter, let’s just answer and leave. It was obviously Peter and I two weeks ago.
(Incorrect buzzer)
NED
Uh oh.
KATIE
How could it not be Peter and I? The only two people left are Peter and June.
(Correct Bell. Sound of large door opening)
(A Pause. No one moves.)
JUNE
Yay! We’re out!
KATIE
Wait a second. Is this true?!
PETER
Katie, look, it was an accident-
KATIE
You just slipped and fucked June?
JUNE
Remember you birthday last week? And we all got drunk? Well, you passed out early and Peter and I may have done some things. But it wasn’t a big deal.
(Incorrect buzzer)
JUNE
Alright we had sex!
(Correct Bell)
KATIE
Unbelievable!
(Katie exists stage left)
PETER
JUNE
No Katie, wait!
Katie, I’m sorry!
(The quickly follow her out. A beat. All three reenter up center.)
KATIE
Wait a second. Didn’t we just escape this room?
NED
Oh. No.
(Lights begin to darken and redden. Ned’s voice gets deeper as he speaks)
NED
That was just round one. Now we’re on to round two. You can count to two, can’t you?
(BLACKOUT)