Cast
Keith 20’s or older
Guido 20’s or older
Paddy 20’s or older
Bartender 40’s or older
Black Gangster 20’s or older
(A bar)
KEITH
(As mobster Italian as it gets)
Hey Guidoooooo!
GUIDO
(Faking enthusiasm. No dialect.)
Hey. Keith.
KEITH
How’s yous doin you sonofabitch!
GUIDO
I’m ok. Just havin a drink.
KEITH
Just havin a drink! Look at this guy! Just havin a drink.
GUIDO
That is correct. Because I literally just said that.
KEITH
Oh! Someone’s a little touchy today. You wake up on the wrong side of the mob?
GUIDO
Keith! Just stop. You’re not Italian and I find your use of a stereotypical Italian accent off putting.
KEITH
Off puttin! But I sound like this outta respect for yous guys!
GUIDO
NO ONE sounds like you do! You sound like if Super Mario and The Goodfellas drank bleach and had a love child.
KEITH
But Don Salami-
GUIDO
-
Giovanni-
KEITH
-said I mob around like the rest of yous guys!
GUIDO
No! Ya don’t! You spend your time cartoonishly saying “yous guys” thereby trivializing the difficult history of oppression suffered by Italian Americans at the hands of white supremacy.
PADDY (Thick Irish)
Well wait now there why don cha now one minute now. You better define more clearly what you mean by “white” in the context of oppression suffered by the Irish.
KEITH
That’s true. We’s Italians never had no “No dogs no Irish” signs posted anywheres.
GUIDO
Such an unfair comparison. Dogs are cute.
(A large brouhaha erupts. The BARTENDER quiets things down.)
BARTENDER
ALRIGHT! Enough! I won’t have any mob bar of mine become an unsafe space for anyone.
PADDY
I’m a fair mite triggered I am oh I.
KEITH
Now how come he gets to talk like that? Isn’t that trvial-basting?
GUIDO
No. His name is actually PADDY. Those are his stereotypes to do with as he pleases. I’m sorry Paddy. This was is a learning moment for me.
PADDY
You’re feckin right it is ya shite gob feckin bitch fecker ya.
GUIDO
What?!
(Another brouhaha erupts)
BARTENDER
ALRIGHT! Enough! If you’re going to have a brouhaha in my bar you’re going to have to do it quietly out of respect for those who may be triggered by loud noises.
KEITH
But that’s what a brouhaha IS.
BARTENDER
Furthermore, all cat calling will be done in sign language in a spirit of inclusion to the deaf and dumb.
ALL ELSE
WHOA!
PADDY
The hearing and speech impaired ye feckin piece of pig shite.
GUIDO
Imapired?! Fuck you you ablest prick!
(Another brouhaha)
KEITH
Guys! Guys! I think we may be starting to miss the point of what being in the mob is about.
GUIDO
Ooooooooh. Ok. Let the white man explain to the oppressed Italian and Irish what their purpose is.
KEITH
I mean, aren’t we here to gain turf, make money and fuck up anyone who challenges us?
GUIDO
And maybe it’s the lack of diversity in our ranks that keeps us from moving beyond such thinking?
PADDY
That feckin feck makes a good feckin point.
GUIDO
Thank you.
KEITH
But you’re in the
Italian
and
Irish
mobs.
GUIDO&PADDY
Exactly!
GUIDO
It’s systemic.
PADDY
It’s 2019. We’re long over due for a diverse and inclusive mob.
(A Black gangster enters SR.)
BLACK GANGSTER
This is my muthafuckin turf now!
(Pause)
(Exiting SL)
GUIDO&PADDY&KEITH
You know in the context of slavery this is like reparations.
I won’t claim my oppression is the same as yours.
I really hope he doesn’t say the N word on stage, think of the letters.
(To bartender)
BLACK GANGSTER
I don’t know what happened but this shit got real easy lately.
BLACKOUT