Maintaining Mitch - 90's SitCom Style
Andy Brown 90’s Theme Song plays.
INT. MORNING. MITCH’S APT
We see Mitch’s apartment, unkempt and strewn with cheap beer cans and empty Vicodin bottles. Mitch asleep. The answering machine kicks on.
ANSWERING MACHINE
Yup. Still Mitch.
We hear the BEEP
CARLA
Mitch! I know you’re there! You’re two months behind on child support and Hugo Boss prom dresses don’t pay for themselves!
We hear the CLICK. Mitch (played by House) is shook awake by the noise.
MITCH
Hugo Boss needs a prom dress?
INT. MIDDAY.
Mitch is on his way to a job. While walking up the stairs he sees CHAD (played by Ashton Kutcher) ahead of him.
CHAD
Mitch! Long time no squee?
MITCH
What?
CHAD
You headed over to 877?
MITCH
I might be.
CHAD
Already been there big kahuna. Fixed the faucet up fine.
MITCH
Did you. I guess they’ll need my help more than ever now.
CHAD
Oh Mitch. You kidder you.
MITCH
See you around, medium kahuna.
Mitch walks on.
CHAD
What’s a medium kahuna?
INT. JONES APARTMENT
Sarah and Steven Jones are in the middle of an argument.
SARAH
You said he would fix it!
STEVEN
He said he did! If I knew better I’d have done it myself!
SARAH
If you didn’t know you didn’t have to speak!
STEVEN
You say things you don’t know about all the time!
Mitch enters.
MITCH
I see your relationship’s broken, but I’m here to fix the faucet.
STEVEN
And you are?
MITCH
Mitch.
SARAH
You’re three hours late! We all ready called someone else in to fix it. Lot of help that did.
STEVEN
Is that a shot at me?
MITCH
Well I smell gunpowder.
Mitch walks to the sink.
MITCH
You’re just missing some tape over this U-joint. And the fact that she wants your honesty not your fake assurance. And that he wants you to feel safe even when he’s unsure himself.
A Pause. Mitch gets up.
MITCH
The butt crack is free but the faucet is 70 bucks.
STEVEN
We don’t have 70 dollars, we already paid that other guy.
SARAH
Wait!
Sarah runs off and returns with a dress.
MITCH
I don’t think it’s my size.
SARAH
But it’s worth quite a lot. It’s Hugo Boss. It was our daughters.
STEVEN
Sarah! That was her prom dress!
SARAH
And she’s not going to prom again is she? (To Mitch) Please, I insist.
MITCH
Thanks. I’m sure I can find some use for it.
INT. MITCH’S APT
Mitch is on the phone.
MITCH
Yeah. I got it. (beat) Does getting the dress not support the child?
Andy Brown 90’s Theme Song Plays.