A graveyard. High Noon. Dan patrols the yard. People walk and pass behind. The Groundsman attends to the … ground(?) behind him.
DAN
Yeah that’s what I thought! None of you want it with me! Who wants to smoke this?!
GROUNDSMAN
I believe it’s “who wants this smoke”.
DAN
What? How the hell would you know? You’re like a thousand years old.
GROUNDSMAN
Anyone can watch TikTok son.
DAN
Ok grandpa, but excuse me, I’m working.
GROUNDSMAN
Oh, right. What is it you do again?
DAN
I protect you, and everyone, you included, from vampires.
GROUNDSMAN
You’re Van Helsing?!
A jogger stops. Bends to tie their shoe.
DAN
Yeah. Sorta. Not exactly. I’m Dan Helsing.
GROUNDSMAN
You related to Van Helsing?
Two parents with a stroller stop and attend to their baby.
DAN
It doesn’t, no one, who really, yeah yes he’s my brother.
GROUNDSMAN
Can I/
DAN
/He doesn’t do autographs.
GROUNDSMAN
Awwwwww.
DAN
Anyway, I kill vampires too.
GROUNDSMAN
So what’re doin up now?
DAN
Well. I work the day shift.
GROUNDSMAN
The day shift.
DAN
Yeah.
GROUNDSMAN
For Vampires.
DAN
Yes! Look. Van works the night shift and I work the day shift, that’s how we do it.
A birdwatcher stops and observes.
GROUNDSMAN
That sounds super fair. You ever see a daytime vampire?
DAN
Bro! Are you questioning me? I murder daytime vampires on the reg!
GROUNDSMAN
Which?
The lights black out. The action plays as if nothing has changed.
DAN
What do you mean which? All of them? The fuckin bite-y ones man!
GROUNDSMAN
No. I mean which of any of us have you killed?
DAN
What?
Lights flood blue. All bystanders are facing and looking at Dan.
GROUNDSMAN
Everyone in this graveyard is a daytime vampire Dan. I’M a daytime vampire. As a matter of fact Dan, YOU’RE about to be a vampire too.
A Crescendo of noise, finished with the sound of a snap and a blackout.
Spotlight up on Dan as he gasps for air as if waking from a bad dream.
Dan reaches to touch his neck with his hand. Feeling no marks on his neck he’s flooded with relief and he laughs. Revealing the largest most absurd vampire fangs holdable in the human mouth.
DAN
(Feeling the fangs)
Awwwwww.
BLACKOUT