Jim - Nephew of Ralph. Musical theater actor.
Ralph - Jim’s uncle and a construction worker
Al - A construction worker. Big man on the site.
Frank - A construction worker.
(A construction site. FRANK sits SL and AL sits next to him eating lunch. Two empty chairs are to their right. RALPH and JIM enter SR with their lunches.)
JIM
Hey, Uncle Ralph? I just want to say thanks for bringing me on this construction job. I know you might catch some flack for giving this job to a family member.
RALPH
Well, none of us expected your musical theater thing to work out Jimmy. So I’m happy to stick my neck out for ya. So long as you keep your head down, and don’t piss off any of the guys, you and I are gunna be just fine.
JIM
I am going to
nail
this Uncle Ralph. Get it? Like, “nailed it!”
(JIM snaps)
But also like, construction nails?
RALPH
(Pause)
Anyway, it’s lunch now. Let’s take a load off.
AL
Hey Ralph, you needle dick.
JIM
Rude.
RALPH
(Unpacking his lunch)
Ah don’t take Al seriously Jimmy, he’s a big gas bag.
AL
Yeah, prissy Jim, we’re just playing around.
JIM
Prissy
Jim? Ok,
Basic
AL.
FRANK
The hell he just call you Al?
(AL stands up. JIM instantly sits.)
AL
Excuse me?
RALPH
Ah, he’s just kidding, Al. He only means that, uh, you don’t want no extra bullshit. You like the simple life.
AL
(Pointedly, at JIM)
Is that right?
JIM
That is, surprisingly, spot on.
RALPH
See? Simple misunderstanding. (To JIM) Won’t, happen, again.
(AL sits. JIM starts to unpack his lunch)
FRANK
(At a woman, unseen)
Hey baby bring them apples over here!
AL
Shake it mamma!
RALPH
Oooooowwwww!
JIM
YAS QUEEN!
(All turn to look at JIM)
JIM
Of, my dick. She’s queen of my dick. She’s like the Freddy Mercury, of, my dick.
(RALPH shoots JIM a look.)
AL
(Not buying it)
Right.
FRANK
So is this your first union gig Jim?
JIM
Well, sorta yes and sorta no?
AL
What the hell does that mean? You either are or you ain’t.
JIM
Well, I was EMC for Mamma Mia.
FRANK
Mamma Mia? You mean you built some Italian joint?
JIM
(Checking in with RALPH)
Um, yes?
AL
There’s no “EMC” union designation. You bullshitting us prissy Jim?
JIM
Well, EMC means, um, Earning, My … Cred! I don’t like to think I’m on a union job until I have everyones respect.
FRANK
That’s real cool Jim. I like that.
(JIM looks at RALPH triumphantly and snaps. FRANK and AL eye JIM.)
JIM
Just trying, to get the attention of,
that ho over there
, am I right?
FRANK
Hey baby you wanna rub them on me?
AL
Yeah girl I like that!
RALPH
Woof woof woof!
JIM
I love your shoes!
(All turn to look at JIM)
JIM
Because … they make that ass look PHAT you know what I’m sayin?
AL
(Turning the screws)
You know who’s place you’re taking on this job, don’t cha Prissy Jim? Mean Terry’s. He got fired after he bit the foreman’s ear off for looking at him wrong. We expect you to fill those shoes.
FRANK
Aw, you ain’t scared are you Jim?
RALPH
Alright you guys let him be.
JIM
(Dead serious)
I killed in La Mancha.
(Everyone is stunned)
FRANK
What? Where the hell is La Mancha?
JIM
Spain.
RALPH
You never told me you went to Spain Jimmy.
JIM
I’ve been to a lot of places Uncle Ralph. Spain. The West Side of New York. Xanadu.
AL
You trying to tell me you actually
killed
in La Mancha?
JIM
Two newspapers said exactly that.
FRANK
Ho-ly shit.
AL
Huh. You know what? You’re alright, Jimmy. Maybe we should get some beers after work sometime.
(AL and FRANK exit SL)
RALPH
Jimmy. Be honest. Did you really kill in La Mancha?
JIM
I usually don’t do this, Uncle Ralph. But, I’ll say it. I didn’t kill in La Mancha. (Beat) I slayed.
RALPH
I’ll be damned. I have to admit there’s a lot more to you than I thought Jimmy. You’re going to fit in here just fine.
JIM
Did I nail it Uncle Ralph?
RALPH
You nailed it Jimmy.
(RALPH snaps, then exits.)
JIM
(To a woman, unseen)
GodDAMN girl! (Beat) I RESPECT YOU!
(Blackout)