2/19/19 (Version 1.1)
John Mahoney - A degenerate anti-hero cop. Never leaves chair.
Narrator - Mahoney’s inner monologue. Rough, gritty cop voice.
Actor 1 - Plays Triad, Chief, Preacher, Circus Barker, Book Club Member
Actor 2 - Plays Martinez, Gina, Child, Mary Kay, Book Club Leader
(Lights up. Mahoney sits center stage. Eyes closed. He groggily wakes up.)
NARRATOR
Shit. Where am I? Phew, those drugs are strong. I must have blacked out. And that smell? Chinese food. And that sound. Mah Jongg tiles? Either I’m at an old jewish women's gathering on Christmas or I’ve been caught by the triad.
TRIAD
(From Off stage. Terrible asian accent)
You should not have come here Officer Mahoney.
NARRATOR
Hmm. Triad? I wonder where in Asia he’s from with that accent.
TRIAD
We are going to make you suffer Mahoney.
NARRATOR
The things I’ve done? I probably deserve it.
(Shift. MARTINEZ seated to MAHONEY’S left, driving)
MARTINEZ
Mahoney! Wake up!
NARRATOR
Huh? Oh. My partner Martinez. She must have sprung me from the triad.
MARTINEZ
We hadn’t finished setting up that drug sting Mahoney! And you shouldn’t have gone in without me anyway. We’re partners dammit.
NARRATOR
Poor Martinez. She doesn’t know that I wasn’t trying to bust their drug ring. I was trying to score drugs. She’ll never know what I degenerate rogue cop I am.
MARTINEZ
You’re a degenerate rogue cop Mahoney and I’m tired of cleaning up your crap. I’m taking you in to the chief.
NARRATOR
Naive Martinez. One of these days she’ll see through me.
(Shift. A chair faces Mahoney’s chair from DS a desk length between them. CHIEF is standing to left of the chair, back to the audience, right hand on chair back, left hand gesticulating as he yells at Mahoney.)
CHIEF
Mahoney! Are you even listening?
NARRATOR
What? Oh. It’s the Chief. Poor loyal Chief. Always sticking his neck out for me.
CHIEF
You’re suspended Mahoney! Hand over your badge and gun. What will Gina think?
NARRATOR
Bringing my dead wife into this Chief? Low blow.
(Shift. GINA sits SL about 4 feet away facing Mahoney. It’s a dinner table.)
GINA
John. John!
NARRATOR
What? Huh. That voice. I recognize that voice.
GINA
My Mothah doesn’t think I should be with you anymore John. I want a divorce!
NARRATOR
Where do I know that voice from?
GINA
You nevah pay attention to me! I may as well be dead. I’m taking the kids to my sistahs.
(Shift. Just Mahoney sits)
NARRATOR
Woah. Ok. I think- I think I was just at the DMV?
CHILD
(From Off stage)
Clap your hands if you believe in fairies!
NARRATOR
What? Yikes, am I at a kids play? I guess I’m trying to see them now that Gina took them to her sisters.
CHILD
Don’t let Tinkerbell die! Everyone clap!
NARRATOR
Shit. Clap your hands Mahoney. How high are you right now? Clap your damn hands and save the fairy. Seriously. Clap!
(Mahoney claps once.)
PREACHER
(From Off stage)
Amen brothers and sisters!
NARRATOR
Um… I’m at a church? I guess I’m trying to convince Gina I’ve turned over a new leaf? You’re pathetic Mahoney. You’ll never change.
PREACHER
You too can be changed through the power of-
MARY KAY
Mary Kay cosmetics.
NARRATOR
Wait. What? What kind of church is this?
MARY KAY
You won’t believe-
CIRCUS BARKER
The death defying feats upon the trapeze!
NARRATOR
Ok, can we all just slow down a bit here?
(Actor 2 begins to sing the circus clown theme)
CIRCUS BARKER
But first! The clowns will run out in to the audience to interact with you, personally!
NARRATOR
Oh hell. Get me outta here, get me outta here, get me outta here.
(Shift. Actors 1 and 2 sit to the Left and Right of Mahoney making the top of a discussion circle.)
BOOK CLUB LEADER
I think the final chapter makes a strong case for why men should be kept in camps.
NARRATOR
Take me back, take me back, take me back.
BOOK CLUB MEMBER
I totally agree. It’s the very fact of masculinity that’s toxic.
NARRATOR
Ok, I would like to black out now.
BOOK CLUB LEADER
Sociopathic men, interested in nothing but their selfish desires and perpetuating violence.
NARRATOR
Black. Out. Blackout. BlackoutBlackoutBlackout.
BOOK CLUB MEMBER
I think any man who doesn’t undergo voluntary castration should be considered a rapist.
NARRATOR
Wow. Alright. It’s time to say something. Use your mouth Mahoney.
Move your mouth Mahoney!
(MAHONEY, tries. He does not succeed.)
BOOK CLUB LEADER
I actually think the castration should be mandatory.
NARRATOR
Oh my god. Someone should call the police. Wait. I’M the police! HAHA! Now you got em! You’ll show em up
and
arrest em!
BOOK CLUB LEADER
What man here recognizes their innate deficiency as a sex and will be the first to be castrated?
MAHONEY
(Very inebriated)
Hey! I am so fucked up.
(Book Club Members clap)
NARRATOR
Nailed it.
(Blackout)