12/11/19 (Version 2.0)
CAPT YAAS - W 50’s ish
JORDAN - W 40’s ish
WARBY PARKER - W 30’s ish
BECKY/COMPUTER - W 20’s ish
(Lights up on CAPT YASS seated SL. 3 other chairs are in a triangle DSC. JORDAN and WARBY are seated at the two DS chairs.)
CAPT YAAS
Captains log, Stardate 100 100 fire fire fire nail polish eggplant. I’ve just left a peace keeping mission between Veronica and Jennifer G. and I’m happy to report that both delegations no longer Can’t Even. It’s a far cry from besties, but I’m hopeful that someday they may be able to Even.
(Jordan crosses SL in a hurry.)
JORDAN
Capt Yaas we need you on the bridge! A Becky Warbird just decloaked off the starboard side!
CAPT YAAS
That is so like them. Lt. Cmndr. Jordan, what is the ships classification?
JORDAN
(Beat) It’s Good Hair sir.
CAPT YASS
Dammit. I’ll be right out.
(Jordan exits and returns to her post)
(Speaking to the replicator) Soda, Dr. Pepper. With a splash of sprite. Cold. (Crosses SR onto bridge, sits UC.) Lt. Warby Parker, status update.
WARBY
Ok, so we were just sitting here talking about Euphoria.
CAPT YASS
Oh my god I love that show.
WARBY
I know right! Jules makeup.
CAPT YAAS
So good.
WARBY
So then the Becky’s show up out of nowhere.
CAPT YAAS
What-ever.
WARBY
And I’m like,
what
?
CAPT YAAS
Right?
WARBY
And they’re like “prepare to be boarded.”
CAPT YAAS
Gross.
WARBY
Right?
CAPT YAAS
Move to “
excuse me
?” alert.
WARBY
JORDAN
Aye captain.
Aye Captain.
JORDAN
Captain. Incoming message.
CAPT YAAS
Bring them up on Tiktok.
BECKY (Stepping on far SR)
Capt Yaas. Your ship is mine bish. I heard you were talking shit about me in the AP Math sector. Kelly said that Kevin said that you said that I wasn’t really that hot. But bish I’m so hot I’m the last dab on Hot Ones. I’m so hot I make water thirsty. I’m so hot-
JORDAN
That’s the first 15 second Tiktok sir. Do you wish to hear the rest?
CAPT YAAS.
I get the jist. Ready weapons Lt. Warby Parker.
WARBY
Aye Captain. Weapons. Right. Ugh.
CAPT YAAS
Is there a problem Warby Parker?
WARBY
No sir, I just have something caught behind my contact. I think it’s an eyelash.
CAPT YAAS
I keep telling you to just wear glasses Warby Parker.
WARBY
No way! I’m not a nerd!
JORDAN
Captain! The Becky Warbird has locked onto us with a tractor beam!
CAPT YAAS
What is it?!
JORDAN
It’s Señorita by Camila Cabello and Sean Mendes!
YAAS
WARBY
Oh my god! That’s my JAM!
Oh my god! That’s my JAM!
JORDAN
No! We must resist! That song has been on the radio for like six months!
YAAS
WARBY
“I love it when you
“I love it when you
call me señorita”
call me senorita”
JORDAN
You leave me no choice. I’m delivering 50cc’s of Billie Eilish.
(She does. They recover.)
CAPT YAAS
She’s such an artist.
WARBY
She directed her last music video.
CAPT YAAS
I know right?!
JORDAN
Captain. The Becky Warbird is firing on us!
(All do the shaky Star Trek battle acting)
BECKY
(From off) You stupid bitch. You’re flat as a board. You look like a little boy. Kevin told me he’d make out with his 50 year old Aunt before he’d even touch you.
JORDAN
They’re hitting us really hard sir!
(An explosion happens. WARBY PARKER falls off her chair.)
WARBY
AAAAHHH!!!
JORDAN
Warby Parker!
WARBY
My eyes!
CAPT YAAS
What happened?!
WARBY
I’ve been blinded Captain. I’m sorry. I never saw it coming.
(She hands Warby Elton Jon sized sunglasses.)
CAPT YAAS
Here, Warby. Put these on.
WARBY
Do I look ok?
JORDAN
CAPT YAAS
Oh. Totally. Super good.
Really suits your face.
CAPT YAAS
Well. I won’t let this go unanswered. Return fire!
CAPT YASS
WARBY
JORDAN
Whatever! I guess.
You suck!
You’re dumb!
And that hurt!
Like a lot.
CAPT YASS
Report!
JORDAN
The Becky ship is totally unfazed sir.
WARBY
Captain, what will we do? We’re going to get destroyed out here!
CAPT YAAS
We need to use the secret weapon.
JORDAN
What?! Captain that weapon has never been shown to work at this age range!
CAPT YAAS
We don’t have another choice! Warby Parker!
WARBY
Sir! (Looking around) Where are you exactly?
CAPT YAAS
It literally doesn’t matter. Prepare to fire. On my mark. (Pause) Make it fucking happen.
WARBY
FIRE!
CAPT YAAS
I love the way you make last years fashion still look cute.
WARBY
I don’t believe anything other people are saying about you.
JORDAN
Aw. You’re so sweet.
(Pause)
Captain the Becky Warbird is retreating!
CAPT YAAS
We did it crew!
(All cheer while flossing, whipping, whoa-ing and nay-nay-ing.)
But promise me that you will not make use of this secret weapon going forward. Swear it.
WARBY
JORDAN
Oh totally.
I would never.
That would be so rude.
Who would do that?
(Yaas crosses SL to her ready room.)
CAPT YAAS
Captains log stardate shrug, poop, ghost, cry laugh, sideways cry laugh, laugh one drop. With the Becky’s defeated for now, we are on our way to some R&R at Jessica’s station for a screening of Dirty Dancing and nothing will stop us from seeing this.
JORDAN
Captain! A Chad Warship just appeared off the port side! They’re inviting us to their movie night.
CAPT YAAS
Chads?! What-ever. We have plans. Remain on course.
JORDAN
But, like, they’re super hot though.
CAPT YAAS
Chicks before penises Jordan.
JORDAN
That should be catchier.
(Jordan Exits)
CAPT YAAS
Computer.
COMPUTER
MMMHHHMMM?
CAPT YAAS
Inform the crew I’ve come down with strep.
COMPUTER
Biiiiish.
BLACKOUT