(Hope, a stewardess, addresses the plane through the speaker phone. At all times she is a model of happy poise and grace.)
HopeHello and thank you all for flying with us today. To those of you already congregating at the back bathroom what the hell were you doing in the airport?
What, Angela? No one is paying attention. Watch. If anyone can hear me raise your hand and I’ll show you my tits. (Beat) Anyway where was I? In the event that our flight suddenly becomes a cruise, that would suck wouldn’t it? The fasten seatbelt sign has been lit and if you don’t know how to put one on, this is called an airplane and it goes vroom in the sky you complete dipshit. If there is a sudden loss of cabin pressure it’s probably because one of the doors just popped off. That keeps happening. The emergency exits are located where ever the door just popped off. FAA regulations require us to remind you that if you haven’t slapped your small child yet please do so now. I’m going to go read my lady smut in the jump seat and I can’t get off anymore without the sound of babies crying. As always we know that you could have flown with anyone else and from the bottom of our hearts we're begging you to do so in the future. Thanks again and Angela if you even think about calling HR I’ll tell them you hide all your blow in tiny baggies in your butt.
(Hope drops the phone like a mic and walks off.)