Hi! Hello. I’m new in town and I’m trying to get to know my neighborhood and I gotta say, “Meat is Murder” is a strong choice for a business name. What exactly do you do?
You’re a butcher shop...
What? Like are you like Pro-murder? That’s FINE if you are. I’m not trying to tell you how to do your business. Tho I mean that’s probably NOT fine because murder is like/ What? Oh. You’re a vegan butcher shop.
HA! Haha! (begins to realize this is not a joke and tries to play off his laughing as coughing.) Sorry. I’m just getting used to... this, different kind of... pollen? Can I get a water?
Thank you. Make sure it’s free range! Not bred in captivity.
Yes! An organic water would be cool. No chemical water for this guy! Wanna keep my chakras... color coordinated. So, um, where’s the beef... substitute? Is it under the... kale?
Oh. Thank you. (Quickly) “Textured Soy Protein, Yellow Mustard, Apple Cider, Vinegar, Brown Sugar, Chili Powder, Olive Oil, and Molasses” is what I MEANT to say.
Yeah it was just a phrase my dad used to say. “Where’s the beef? Under the pickle.”
I don’t really get it either.
(Short Pause)
So were you like, raised by cows?
That was a joke.
Haha. Jokes right?
So how do you know what beef tastes like?
(Reacting to a question) It is not my intention to be fucking with you AT ALL. It’s just that if you want people to stop eating meat, by making a product that tastes like meat, you have to know what murder tastes like.
Wait... Can you like, taste the murder? Like does it taste different from the meat? And if it does, could you separate it from the meat taste? Cuz then you could open another store and call it like, “Murder taste.”
(Long pause. Then awkward silence cough.)
Can I get that water? Whew! Thank you. You know what’s murder? Flowers!
Because they make pollen.
And attract bees.
(Very excited thought) You guys ever try making meat out of bees?!
Totally. I would be so happy to get the fuck out now.
BLACKOUT