No Matter
The Place

Scene 1.

(Outside the restaurant. Lights up on Sandra, a police officer, sitting on a bench SR of UC Doors. Taylor, a server, enters from the UC doors.)

McMitchelI heard there was a disturbance at this restaurant?

TaylorSandra, don't you have somewhere to be?

McMitchelWhat does that mean?

TaylorIt's two in the afternoon. There's like one sketchy chick in there, and that's it.

McMitchelSketchy? Do I need to break out my handcuffs?

TaylorNo, I can handle this one. I know her type.

McMitchelDo you? That sounds like a story.

TaylorOr five. Anyway, she'd probably pick those cuffs and steal your badge. So, go patrol things.

McMitchelThis is my patrol. I'm on patrol.

TaylorYou look it.

McMitchelDo you know why I patrol here? What makes this place special?

TaylorAside from me? No.

McMitchelThis is the only lesbian spot within a hundred miles.

TaylorBullshit. There's a U-Haul like three miles away.

McMitchelThis is the only place! (She gestures) Like, PLACE place.

TaylorBecause we're accepted everywhere now! I still have a rainbow-colored tool belt from last June.

McMitchelA parade is not a place.

TaylorI got the belt at the Chamber of Commerce.

McMitchelThe Chamber of Commerce have a ladies' night?

TaylorEven if this were our last stand, nothing ever happens here.

McMitchelTaylor! Did you just speak something shitty into being?

TaylorWhat? No! I'm not here for the drama!

McMitchelDid you just put Mercury in the microwave?!

TaylorI only gave Hercules a Gatorade!

McMitchelThat's even worse!

TaylorWhat ever will become of me?!

McMitchelSeven years of bad sex!

(Beat)

TaylorFuck that.

McMitchelHey, them's the rules

Taylor & McMitchel(In unison) That I/you just made up.

McMitchelWish I could help.

TaylorSo, is this a new seven years of bad sex, or can I subtract the two with you?

McMitchel(Speaks into walkie-talkie) I'd like to report an assault.

TaylorI wanna report the same thing you did. But yours is four letters too long. (Taylor exits UC)

(McMitchel spells "Assault" out on her hands. After a pause, Taylor re-enters UC with Leah.)

McMitchelI heard there was a disturbance at this restaurant?

TaylorYeah, actually. She got here when we opened, hasn't left, and is now keying the tables.

LeahIt was a table, and it's ART.

TaylorTables are for customers. Artists have to order food too.

LeahYessir, Captain Capitalism! And how do you even order here?!

McMitchelYou know, I've always wanted to eat here, I've just never known how to order.

TaylorReally? I'm going back inside. (Taylor exits UC)

McMitchelMiss, it sounds like you've been loitering.

LeahYeah, well, I don't care, um (she looks at name tag) McMitchell. Is that even a real name?

McMitchelIt comes from my mother's side.

LeahSounds like a Scotsman screwed a loaf of Wonderbread.

McMitchelI'm gonna need you to calm down.

LeahOoooh. Well, I'm gonna do whatever I want. If it's my right to remain silent, then it's my right to tell you that that nightstick shouldn't be out during the day. So go put it somewhere the sun doesn't shine. Your ass, my love life, whatever, you choose. Just figure it out quick, okay? At this rate, I'll be too old to date DiCaprio.

McMitchelWho?

LeahLeonardo DiCaprio? He only dates girls that are 26 tops.

McMitchelI think you're safe.

LeahHey, needle dick! I can definitely pass for 26! Besides, he's not my flavor.

McMitchelAnd what flavor is he?

LeahHe's penis-flavored. Are you taking me to jail or what?

McMitchelYou're going to force me to.

LeahYeah? Go ahead. I dare you! Seriously, see if I care.

McMitchelOn the other hand, you don't get to force me into things. (Begins to exit Off R)

LeahHey! Don't leave! I'm being disorderly over here! (Beat) Look, I live by the jail, and I don't have money for an Uber.

McMitchelGood. I like the truth. I'll drive you to the jail. No further.

LeahNo shit? You will? Woo! (Beat) Um, will you still put the handcuffs on me? I was kinda looking forward to that.

(Lights out)

Scene 2.

(Inside restaurant. Lights up on Ava, who sits at a table and waits. Time passes before Taylor walks by.)

AvaExcuse me. Hi. Do you know how I order. Oh! I shouldn't be assuming that you work here. Sorry. My mistake. I didn't mean to imply you're wearing a uniform or something. It's a lovely outfit. Did you get it at Nordstrom? I was just there looking for one for this date, and it looks a lot like some they had. My date's been here before and knows how to order, but she hasn't shown up yet. And I just keep talking. I'm sorry, you should eat before your food gets cold.

TaylorHey. So, you've been sitting here for a while.

AvaOh, um, sure, you can have the table. It is pretty busy in here. Not like I've been waiting for half an hour, but yeah, you can have the table.

TaylorI don't mean

AvaWell, I'm sorry if that was passive-aggressive, but how would you feel if your date stood you up at a restaurant you've never been to, and everyone is treating you like some crazy woman simply because you don't know how to order, and heaven forbid you attempt to rely on the kindness of strangers

TaylorMaybe the manager can help you?

AvaGood. Good! CALL THE MANAGER! I doubt they even exist! Does anyone actually work here?!

TaylorI do.

AvaOh. Um. Okay. So, what is this place, some futuristic restaurant where everything is automated, and you order from touch screens like. Oh, you do order from touch screens.

TaylorI'm happy to help you figure it out, unless you're still waiting for your date.

AvaI guess we both know the answer to that.

TaylorIt's okay. I'm Taylor, by the way.

AvaAva.

TaylorWhen I'm feeling down, I order from the dessert menu.

AvaI like the way you think. (She starts to tap the screen.)

TaylorNope, different screen. Okay, scroll to the bottom. Keep going. Hit that button. Other button. Go back?

AvaYou guys could really use a menu.

TaylorHow does cheesecake sound?

AvaI love cheesecake.

TaylorAnd a cold glass of Riesling.

AvaI love Riesling.

TaylorGreat, I have some at home. I'll pick you up when my shift is done.

(Ava is about to speak when Sandra and Leah enter. Leah is handcuffed and happy.)

TaylorSandra?

AvaLeah?

LeahAva?

(Beat)

McMitchelHer name is Taylor. Just to round it out.

TaylorWhat are you doing back here with her?

McMitchelShe said she forgot something.

AvaHer date with me?

LeahSo I forgot two things.

AvaWell, I don't care. I'm having cheesecake and Riesling now instead.

TaylorI'm off at 2 a.m.

AvaI'm having cheesecake and Riesling, eventually.

(Beat)

McMitchelFirst round is on me!

(The women all move to the bar UR, the dialogue is overlapping: "You're on duty," "I can buy and not drink," "You were here before," "My phone died," etc.)

(Lights fade out)

END