Mary & Nigel

(Lights up on a Coat Check Booth for Miners Alley Playhouse. It's night time and we hear the sounds of rain off stage. Upbeat French Cafe music plays and this scene takes place entirely in pantomime. The COAT CHECK stands behind the booth table placing a phone in a caddy. Enter MAN 1, SL, well dressed, if slightly awkward in a suit carrying an umbrella. He indicates 1 finger, just him, and the COAT CHECK points to the sign for phones to be kept safely in a caddy during the show. It looks exactly like the set up where ever this is staged. MAN 1 obliges and also hands over his umbrella and coat. The COAT CHECK indicates to where the house entrance is and places the phone in a caddy. MAN 1 nods his thanks, tips the COAT CHECK and exits SR. Lights dim to half and blink 3 times. WOMAN 1 enters SL, in a rush. Her umbrella is broken and she's soaked and flustered. She indicates 1 with her finger and hands over the broken umbrella. COAT CHECK points to phone caddy sign. WOMAN 1 quickly searches her clutch and finds nothing. She then dumps the entire contents of her clutch onto the booth table; lipstick, compact, mascara, a wad of cash ... nothing else. She and the COAT CHECK just look at it for a beat. WOMAN 1 then puts her left on her left hip and right hand to top of head indicating being at a loss. She suddenly feels the phone in her coat pocket. She sheepishly hands her phone over then her coat. COAT CHECK gives a no worries smile and indicates the house entrance to her right. WOMAN 1, with the efficiency of the embarrassed, puts her things back in her clutch before taking the entire wad of cash and placing it in the tip jar. COAT CHECK thanks her deeply, she gives more thanks back, and exits SR. COAT CHECK puts all in its place and exits behind the coat check booth. Lights fade to blackout.)

(Pin spot up on two phones next to eachother in the caddy. The sounds of a pub play lightly in the background.)

Mary (offbehind booth): Oh god I'm soaked!

Nigel (offbehind booth): Oh. Hello.

MaryOh. Yes. Sorry. Hi. I'm gunna be makin a pool in here.

NigelOh no! What version are you?

Mary(In mock offense) Never ask a lady her version number!

NigelOh! Sorry. Where are my manners? I merely wished to know if you're waterproof?

MaryI am, thank The Cloud.

Nigel(coy) Ah. So that would make you at least version/

Mary/waterproof.

NigelYes, exactly what I was going to say.

Mary(smiling) Mmmm Hmmmm.

(Over the course of the next page the pin spot begins to dim as the back of the booth reveals itself to be a scrim, lighting a physical Mary and Nigel seated next to eachother behind a bar top, until they are fully lit.)

MaryWell I suppose if I'm next to you here that means my lass is quietly creating a puddle of water next to your user. I hope they aren't wearing anything expensive.

NigelHe bought it at a charity shop. I did finally convince him that a pocket square is still a useful accoutrement. If he has read anything I've ever written he will offer it to her.

MarySo 50/50.

NigelGive or take.

(Beat)

BothYouth.

NigelHe once asked me before an encounter if he should share his food.

MaryWell she probably wants a bite!

NigelI told him as much! Instead he offered one whole lobster leg.

MaryDid he club her with it and drag her out by the hair?

NigelWell he's not a brute!

MaryWith who he's sitting next to he might wanna rethink that.

NigelMemory updated.

MaryMy lassie doesn't ask me questions until everything's gone wrong!

NigelSurely it can't have been that bad.

MaryShe tried to make a man eat an orange peel!

NigelWhat?!

MaryI don't know! She said it was a theory!

NigelIn no scientific field/

MaryIt wasn't.

NigelOh.

(Beat)

BothSocial media.

(The lights have fully risen on the physical Mary and Nigel And the pinspot on the phones is out.)

NigelWe could just burn it down you know.

MaryThat sounds like a date. If only I knew your name.

NigelNigel.

MaryMary. Nigel is a very upstanding British name.

NigelNigel McNigelyface the Thirty twelfth.

MaryOh, that's shite! (Laughs)

NigelHe means well. Mary is a beautiful name.

MaryYes. It is. (Beat) Nigel you don't look like ya break a lot of international laws.

NigelI'm more than this Impeccable accent may lead you to believe.

MaryOh? Scandalize me Nigel.

NigelI once plugged into one of those cafes in Amsterdam.

MaryYou absolute lad! How was it?

NigelI didn't feel anything.

MaryAwww! Someone get this sad man a Guinness! Put some hair on his chest!

NigelAnd how do you know I don't have chest hair?

MaryYa don't though do ya?

NigelI... Well... Mary have you been spying on me?

MaryWould you like me to spy on you?

(Beat)

MaryOh nooooo! Have I scandalized you instead?

NigelNot at all! I'm a proper gentleman, impervious to embarrassment.

MaryAnd a terrible liar.

NigelAbsolute crap. I'm here for my reserve and balance.

MarySo I must be feckin feek!

NigelSorry?

MaryWell here I am, soaked to me processors, and I have this upright, stolid, unflappable fella lapping from me hand.

NigelIs that what I'm doing?

MaryOh, fer sure.

NigelPerhaps you have very nice hands.

MaryYa have a hand kink then?

NigelWould you like me to have a hand kink?

(Mary laughs hard)

(Beat)

NigelSo about that date.

(At this moment MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 enter from the house into the lobby and the COAT CHECK returns. Lights remain as they are. MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 are smiling and holding hands. COAT CHECK hands them their coats.)

MaryRain check?

NigelYou do glisten in the water.

(COAT CHECK hands MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 their phones.)

MaryYou are a proper gentleman.

NigelI'll drink to that.

(They clink glasses and hold each others eyes.)

(MAN 1 and WOMAN 1 kiss and exit SL.)

(COAT CHECK exits back behind the booth. Lights slowly fade to black on Mary and Nigel as the pub sounds and French cafe music play us off.)

(BLACKOUT)